Recovery

me:
Hello, I am going to take two pictures of your knee.

Snowed patient:
Okey Dokey Pokey

...

I feel like Gumby

Non Weapons Defense

Me:
Well hello there, what happened to your wrist?

38 y/o male patient:
I was in a non weapons combat class and when we use the upper arm block in self defense, we usually hold like this, but I had my hand twisted like this, which is common in law enforcement, so when my partner hit me, my arm went down instead of out and she hit me so hard that something popped and it started swelling.

Florence

Me:
Good evening sir, I am going to take you in a wheelchair to get a chest x-ray.

90ish year old patient:
I have a special friend who helps me do everything. 
She isn't my wife, but she does all the actions of one.

Her name is Florence and she helps me with anything I need.
My wife and I are separated, so Florence does every thing for me.

Me:
So is Florence your girlfriend?

Patient:
It's strange...there is no sex, but she helps me out. She is my registered nurse.

CXR

me:
We are going to take two pictures of your chest,
Go ahead and stand with your chest against this plate and I'll give you some breathing instructions,
how does that sound?

Patient:
Weird.

Patient in ER

"Hey hey!
Please come here!
Can you please ask the nurse if I can have more pain medication?
I need more pain medication.
Please go find the nurse.
Please please pleeeaase?!

. . .

Oh and get me some crackers too."

Since I was a little girl. . .

me: Why have you come in to the ER today?

patient: well, I am feeling very nervous and ever since I was a little girl, I have never really known why I was born.  I think I am having a panic attack.

+ hip fracture

me: what brought you to the ER today?

patient: I have lots of pain here (pointing to hip) I fell

me: so you have hip pain?

patient: no. the pain is actually on the inside.

me: well, that's where your hip is... on the inside.

patient: (astounded) really?

First Post!

"You ever have trouble with those little black worms that crawl out of your skin? When I'm taking a bath I'll squeeze a little black spot and a worm will come crawling out"